I came down with the same cold my boys had over the past couple of days, and I've been spending a lot of time in bed, resting. That explains why I didn't write a post yesterday.
I finally started to feel better yesterday afternoon. So, I went out to participate in a gathering called, healing circle, organized by my friend Shira. This was the first time I went to a group like this. There in her apartment, three of us shared the things we were grateful for and also some of our personal struggles. It was a calm and safe environment we created together, and it was nice to share and connect with others in such a personal level. Thank you, Shira, for organizing the group and also for being such an amazing facilitator and friend.
Do you remember the word, kindness, I mentioned in the previous post? Here's the reason why I chose this word: I decided to be kind to myself for the first time in my life.
As a mom, I give so much love to everyone around me but myself. After running on the treadmill of motherhood for five years, and all the love I have given to others, I was running low on my love fuel. I cry a lot, get frustrated easily (I am a very expressive person), and I am impatient with myself, my husband, and even with my boys. I haven't been the best mother that I could be lately, and I've been feeling guilty about that.
I also have a history of depression in my early 20s. It was only for a short amount of time and I was never clinically treated, but it was an intense experience. As anyone who has experienced depression or has learned about it would know, once you have an onset of depression, its shadow always follows behind you. When I feel down or uninspired, I just know I need to snap out of the phase as soon as possible. Being kind to myself is my proactive approach to that potential problem.
So, I decided to slow down, take a deep breath, and be kind to myself. I realized if I want to be kind to others around me, I need to be kind to myself first. I guess this is like a refueling process. I'm fueling my love tank until it's full and starts to overflow.
As soon as I gave myself a permission to be kind to myself, I felt warm in my chest and the phrase, thank you, came out of my mouth. I took it by surprise, but then, "Thank you for being me" naturally followed and that felt like a big assuring hug I needed for a long time.
I'm also learning to ask myself, "what do I need?" instead of what needs to be taken care of and what does everyone else need.
Joining the healing circle last night was the act of kindness I wanted to take toward myself. Taking the rest when I needed was also just that.
While I rested in bed, I spend some time with a book I've wanted to read for a while: Vampires In The Lemon Grove by Karen Russell. This is a collection of short stories, and I'm enjoying every bit of it.
Well Being by Barbara Close is also on my nightstand right now. This book has many good recipes (both cooking and aromatherapy type of body care recipes) and I'm looking forward to trying some of them this week.
After my first healing circle session, I drove to Wegmans to get some goodies just for myself: A box of organic herbal tea, coconut oil and lavender soap, and a bouquet of carnations. This was a splurge for me because I rarely buy something just for myself. After a relaxing shower with the coconut lavender soap and a cup of herbal tea, I was ready to rest again. I prayed and meditated for a while before I fell asleep.
This may not sound much to you, but doing things just for myself felt like true luxury.
So this week, I will continue to work on being kind to myself. I have no plans, no goals or agenda. I'll just let things unfold on their own and see where I will be at the end of this week. I am so excited about this process!
Have you been kind to yourself lately?
Do you have anything special you do just for yourself?
Peace, my friends.