At Summer's End

We spent last weekend in Adirondacks, thanks to my mother- and father-in-laws who coordinated the entire trip. We hiked, ate good food, and enjoyed a scenic train ride, which my youngest son fondly called, a choo-choo ride.

When we finally arrived at our motel after four and a half hours of driving and a temper tantrum, our two year old niece burst into our room to welcome us. My boys joined her and together they ran in a circle shrieking, hardly able to contain their excitement for our vacation together. Then my sister- and brother-in-laws followed her into the room and gave us a hug. 

I've known them for thirteen years now - my sister- and brother-in-laws - even longer than I've known my husband, Steve. Back then we studied at a small state university in upstate NY.  A lot has changed since then.

When I came to this country thirteen years ago as an international student, my future brother-in-law, Jo was the one who came to pick me up at the airport. I had no idea one day that young man, who ushered me into this foreign land, would be my family.  

I met my sister-in-law, Elizabeth, through Jo shortly after, and we quickly became friends. We took psychology courses together and talked about our families. I was surprised we shared many of the same values despite our cultural differences. And through Elizabeth, I met her brother, Steve, the man I would marry in just four years. It was love at first sight. 

Thirteen years later, we're hiking up a mountain trail pulling our little ones by their hands. My sister-in-law is expecting her second baby due this winter. Things keep changing, without halting even for a moment. 

As the first day of school quickly approaches, my motherhood anxiety is on high alert. My oldest son starts first grade and youngest one preschool in just a few days. This is the first year I have both of them in school.

I never knew what anxiety really meant until I became a mother. This must be part of our defense mechanism that kicks in the moment we hold our baby in our arms. We promise ourselves to protect our little bundle of joy no matter what it takes. Like a mother bear who tries to protect their baby cubs, we are not afraid of doing serious damage to any offender. We would do anything to protect our children. 

But once they start school, we can't be there to help our little ones. They are now on their own. We moms know their every quirk and how special they are in their own unique ways. Would the teacher see what I see in them? The special sparks they have in their heart? 

The first day of school always comes sooner than I want. It's rather ironic, because I remember huffing and puffing when the summer started. I know I just need a few more days of grace period to complete this mental shift. The moment my oldest son steps onto the school bus, I know it would feel right.

Changes aren't easy no matter what it is. Change forces us to let go of old ways and embrace new habits. But what if we never change? What if I haven't changed a bit over the past thirteen years. Still studying in college, enjoying my single life and partying? We go through different phases of life, just as nature moves through the seasons. It would be hard not to change. 

So, I loosen my grip on life and try my best to let things unfold on their own.

Steve and I have gained a few pounds over the summer from all the rich food we ate and probably from our age. As much as we'd like to shed those extra pounds off, we're not bitter about it. Perhaps it's time for us to put our running shoes on and start jogging around the neighborhood, together, while the boys are gone to school.

Change is good. 

Sometimes, I need to remind myself of this. 

* * *

Today, I'm sharing with Emily at chatting at the sky.

The Taste of Happiness

It was right before 6 o'clock on Saturday night. 

I was running late cooking dinner, sauteing chopped onion in olive oil and melted butter. I heard the sound of a lawn mower coming from a distance, slowly approaching to the kitchen window. 

Why hurry, I told myself. Stephen had just started his mower and the boys would be busy following their Daddy's heels until the last blade of grass is cut short. I took a deep breath to slow down. Summer days are easy. No homework, no getting up early the next day.

Queen Anne's Lace + my art: Contemplating in our kitchen

I glanced out of the kitchen window and saw my 5-year-old just a few feet away from his Daddy. I looked around expecting to find my youngest son, but I couldn't find him. "Where is he?" I felt a tightness in my chest. 

I flung opened the window and called my husband. He stopped the mower immediately, looked around and shook his head. He didn't know where the boy was. 

He called the boy's name loud once, twice, and three times. No response. 

My husband ran to the front yard looking for his son. I dropped the wooden spoon in the sizzling pan and ran out from the poach door with bare feet. 

Where could he be? My heart pounded hard in my chest, while running through the garage to the front yard trying to find a trace of that little boy. 

He was only a week shy of becoming three years old. He could make a bad choice without knowing its consequence. Did he follow a ball rolling down our steep drive way to the street? Could he be taken away by a stranger who came from the woods? 

"Oh no, God, no! Don't let that be!" I pleaded as I frantically looked around our front yard. He was not there. I couldn't breathe.  

I turned the corner to the side of our house, and I saw his chubby legs pushing the pedals hard on his red Radio Flyer tricycle.

I grabbed him from the bike and squeeze him tight in my arms. 

"Thank you, God, for keeping him safe," I whispered, as I let out a sigh of relief. I pressed my lips to his soft cheeks, covered in sweat and dirt. His cheeks were warm and we were safe. But the tightness in my chest didn't go away.

I have a quiet ache that runs deep within me. My heart aches for my boys every day - when they are hurt or struggle to make new friends. My heart grieves for the things I have lost over the years, too. The time I could've spent with my family who lives on the opposite side of the planet and the financial security we once had.

Every time I'm not sure if I could keep pushing forward, I would look up and capture something beautiful like a snapshot. The moment my son gave me a little shiny pebble he found in the backyard with his grin so wide and proud. The moment I wondered if I could see my grandmother again while she's still alive, then turned around and found my husband tenderly smiling at me. I savor those fleeting moments of happiness before they slip through my fingers.

When did my world come alive with all these of emotions? When did I start tasting fresh corn so sweet, a homemade blackberry pie so tart? When did I realize a handful of Queen Anne's Lace from our land is more graceful than a store bought bouquet of flowers?

Was it when I became a parent? When I moved to a foreign country by myself? When we decided to change our careers despite the financial risks? 

I once knew happiness, the kind that didn't cause any aches. The safe kind that doesn't involve any risks. I lived a sheltered life and smiled like an innocent flower. I didn't know what it meant to be stepping out of that boundary of my comfort zone and really live.

All the pains and aches I've been through over the past several years have woken my senses and given me a new set of eyes to see things in a different light. I find myself yearning to live and taste life in a way I've never done before. The deeper the ache your heart knows, the more beautiful and vibrant the world becomes. You will never know what sweetness really tastes like without knowing the taste of bitterness.

I'm not afraid of taking risks with life anymore, for now I know the taste of true happiness. Because I know life is beautiful no matter what it brings.

What I'm learning this summer

My five-year-old son has been home for almost three weeks now. It's been nice to have him around for the summer and my youngest son loves having someone to play with besides his mom. 

I just forgot how busy it is to spend an entire day with these two little guys. They would be playing together for one moment, and then fighting with each other in the next. We never have a dull moment around here.

Even though my hope for the lazy days quickly turned into the crazy days, I'm still enjoying the easiness of summer. I think we're finally moving into this new rhythm - a more relaxed 'go with the flow' approach with no particular expectations. 

Today, I wanted to share a few things I've learned so far this summer.

1. I can't go without decorating our home.
I ran out of our decorating budget a while ago and had to take a little break from decorating. Well, I've missed it very much. I realized for the first time I simply can't go without decorating.

2. You'll eventually find a perfect paint color, only if you don't settle for something less.
I came across this medium-dark gray paint, and I instantly fell in love with the richness of its color. 

 
I'm so glad I didn't settle for the paint color I wasn't a 100% happy with. I just finished the first coat and it already looks amazing. Can you tell which room I'm working on? 

3. Relaxing on a hammock is the best way to spend a summer afternoon.  
While watching the boys play outside, I try to find my inner peace lying on this hammock, 

and savor the beautiful nature this season offers. 

If the boys are preoccupied with each other, I get to enjoy my favorite book for a few minutes. 

This is what I am re-reading right now. A perfect book to read on a hammock.

The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea. 

Gift from The Sea
by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 
4. Homemade lemonade is my favorite summer drink. 
We've been making lemonade almost every day this summer. I like this recipe for regular lemonade. I've also tried this jalapeno lemonade and I found the hint of spiciness quite refreshing on a hot summer day. 

5. I literally live in our kitchen.  
Have you read a book, Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto? I think I'm a lot like that main character. I'd be happy just spending the entire day in our kitchen, cooking or scrubbing down the counters. For me, the kitchen is the place of comfort and happiness, and I spend a great deal of time during the day in the kitchen (weird?). There has been a lot of cooking and baking happening in our kitchen this summer and that simply makes me happy.

We made Cinnabunnies!

6. My favorite ratio for strawberry rhubarb pie filling is strawberry 3: rhubarb 4.  
I prefer savory over sweet, but I do enjoy freshly baked fruit pies. I use 3 cups of diced strawberries and 4 cups of rhubarb for an 9 inch pie. This creates the perfect balance of tart and sweet for my taste. And if someone likes it sweeter, I would just add a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side. The flavors from roasted rhubarb and vanilla ice cream complement each other beautifully.

What about you? What have you learned so far this summer?

Let Your Ordinary Gift Shine + New Art | Captivating no. 2

I recently had a chance to talk with one of the moms from my son's school.

I've always felt somewhat inadequate as a mom, and she immediately picked up my insecurity about how I parent. She gently assured me I was doing a great job with my boys and encouraged me to give myself credit because I work so hard for it. She was friendly, warm, and glowing with confidence. I was drawn to her charisma right away and absorbed her wisdom like a plant thirsting for water. 

But then, something unexpected happened. As soon as our conversation turned to what we do for a living, her confidence shrank to the size of a golf ball. "Oh," she said in a trembling voice, "I'm just a stay-at-home mom." 

I'm just a stay-at-home mom. 

This mother with an incredible ability to encourage fellow parents didn't seem to acknowledge what an extraordinary gift she has.

I wonder sometimes our gift may not feel like a gift at all, because it's buried within our ordinary days. Perhaps you don't see it as a gift because it doesn't seem important. Or even though you know you have something special, you're not sure if you're good enough.

But it's not up to you to decide if you're good enough or not. Because someone who needs your gift can spot it from a mile away, like finding a tiny piece of diamond catching the sun in the midst of desert.

You can't hide it from us - your story, your gift.

Your helping hands, your smiles, your art, your songs, your writing, your warm hugs, your ability to guide and teach...

If there's one person out there who needs to hear your story, it is good enough.

There are mornings I would wake up and wonder if I should stop sharing what I create on this blog. Because some days, I just feel inadequate and what I can offer seems insignificant. 

But it's not up to me to decide if my gift is good enough to share. 

What you may consider humble could be an extraordinary gift to someone who needs it. 

Just like this mother's words changed the way I view motherhood, we all have an extraordinary gift to share only if we let it shine. 

I'm forever grateful she generously shared her gift of encouragement with me.

 
Captivating no. 2: Ink pen, watercolor, charcoal, soft pastel

Would you share your gift with us, your extraordinary gift hidden in the ordinary? 

Would you let it shine?

Why I Celebrate My Birthday Month

I'll be honest.

I've struggled to create and write over the past week. The ideas are there and I'm eager to work on them. But once I sit down with the ideas, nothing comes out right. 

Do you go through a phase like that when you're trying to be creative?

I understand it's just a phase and it will get better again. So I do my best to remain hopeful.

I also started something new this week, which took up much of my creative time: Writing a story for children. I'm still right in the middle of developing the concept, but I already have a strong foundation of the story. I'm really excited about this and I can't wait to share the process with you. 

It's a little awkward to write about celebrating my birthday on the day before Mother's Day. But this is what I got this week, and I still wanted to share it with you.

* * * 

So, I celebrate my birthday for the entire month of May.  

Does it sound self-indulging, claiming the whole month to myself? 
Perhaps so.

But there is a reason why I do this.

I grew up in a family where grown-ups didn't really celebrate their birthdays. We would say happy birthday to each other and might have cake after dinner, but they didn't make it anything special. I wonder if there was something cultural to it. Perhaps, we Japanese value modesty so much so that bringing attention to yourself even on your birthday is considered lack of modesty?

Anyway, fast forward many years, my husband and I had our first baby. As a childless couple, we made our birthdays special and celebrated in memorable ways. But once we got so wrapped up with our parental duties, we stopped paying attention to our birthdays. We made sure our kids birthdays were special, but not ours. 

When you're busy changing diapers, constantly mediating sibling fights, and tackling piles of laundry day after day, it's hard to make your birthday different from any other days. There were even times I forgot it was my birthday until someone else reminded me. But I shrugged my shoulders and told myself, "this is what it means to be a parent." This is how my parents celebrated their birthdays, after all. 

After a while, however, I noticed that I was unhappy. I felt unappreciated. I felt like a full time nanny, cook, and cleaning lady for the family who doesn't even get paid. I knew I needed to make a change. I wanted to feel special again, not just a mom who juggles daily duties.

Our birthday is special because it's the day we celebrate our gift of life. Having my own children made me realize this important truth. It has nothing to do with our achievements or performance, like many other celebrations in life. Birthday is the day we celebrate and honor us just the way we are.

"Today you are you, 
that is truer than true.
There is no one alive,
who are youer than you!"
                       - Dr. Seuss

Since I tend to forget to celebrate on my actual birthday, I thought it might be fun to dedicate the entire month to myself. This way, I can celebrate "just being me" in small doses whenever I get a chance.

I don't plan any big parties. Instead, I enjoy simple things like taking a long walk on a beautiful day with my family (they can't say no to my suggestions, because I'm the birthday month girl.) There's nothing better than savoring the beauty of the season while enjoying the company of my favorite people. 
 

My 26th Birthday, exactly 10 years ago.
Celebrating a birthday had a whole different meaning back then.

My 31st Birthday

Celebrating my 34th Birthday Month

I want to celebrate who I am today, without judging or comparing myself to others.  

Because I believe you will become who you fully are, only when you learn to embrace where you are today. 

I've been slowly uncovering the true design of who I am over the past several months. Celebrating my birthday is an important part of the process. 

On the night you were born,
the moon smiled with such wonder
that the stars peeked in to see you
and the night wind whispered,
"Life will never be the same."
Because there had never been any one like you...
ever in the world.

                            from On the Night You Were Born, 
                                                         by Nancy Tillman

Let's embrace our uniqueness, differences, our strengths and even weaknesses. Because we are created exactly the way we're meant to be. We're enough to be celebrated, just the way we are. 

You are special just the way you are,

for you are fearfully and wonderfully made...
                                                                          Psalm 139

And remember, you can celebrate you any day of the year. It doesn't have to be your birthday to make it special.

Would you take a moment to celebrate you today?

What's your favorite way to celebrate your birthday? Share in the comments? 

How do you prioritize your time?

I've been thinking about this for a while, and this is something I haven't found the answer yet.  So, I'd like to ask: How do you create a lifestyle that allows you to do the things you are passionate about?

I'm currently staying at home to take care of my two little boys. It feels like a full time job just managing motherhood and things around the house, including cooking, laundry, and cleaning.

And if you're a working mom, I know this juggling act gets even more serious. You basically work full time during the day, and then only to come home to work on your second shift as a mom. No matter how tired you are after work, you can't afford to take a break. Your need to tend to your family's needs.

You'd stay up late to finish the laundry so that your child would have something clean to wear for school tomorrow. It's like we moms have no time to take a break.

But I know you don't have to be a mom to have a super busy lifestyle. We all have a lot going on in our lives and "slowing down" and "doing less" have become our daily mantras while we pursue a quality life.

So, when you have something you're passionate about, how do you make time for that? 

I've recently started working on my art, and I really enjoy seeing it blossom. I hope to develop that into my career, even though I have no idea what that really means. This blog has been a great place to share what I do and I'm excited about. But I have to admit that keeping a good balance between motherhood and following my passion has become challenging over the past few months. 

My dear friend Jenn once said, "time will appear when you prioritize your time." I think that's very true. What do you exactly do to prioritize your time though, while dealing with the growing demands around you? How do you carve out the time to do the things that you find fulfilling?  

Do you have any advice or tips that work for you? I'd love to know - I'm curious. Would you share them in the comments? 

When You Make a Mistake

When you make a mistake, what would you do? 

I'm talking about the kind of mistake that hurts and does some damage to other people. What would you do when you make a mistake like that? 

Last Friday, I had one of those moments. The moment of failure as a parent. 

I had a huge temper tantrum in front of our boys and my husband, Steve. Is a mother like me even allowed to have a tantrum in front of her kids? 

Perhaps, tantrum isn't exactly the right word for what happened. I was frustrated with Steve and got emotional. I yelled, did some name calling, exaggerated facts, and stomped my feet. Yes, I'm a feet stomper, and I'm not proud of my own behavior.

How and why that happened isn't important here, because we all know life happens. Your day-to-day stress builds up. You may be undergoing hormonal changes like I am. Some days, your life feels like a never ending juggling act rather than a blessing or an exciting adventure. You feel worn out. Your mind gets foggy and you aren't sure what really matters anymore. 

When you're feeling like that, it only takes one trivial thing to put you over the edge and let the floodgate open. 

And I lost my cool, completely.

The kids had seen everything that happened. The damage was done. Why couldn't I just stay calm? 

Curled up in my bed, pushing my head against a pillow soaked with tears, I felt like a failure.  
I was feeling guilty, ashamed, and still upset about the stupid little thing that brought that much of anger out of me. I wondered what kind of damage I did to our kids.

The damage has been done and I can't erase what happened. What should I do now?

I knew I had to so something. But my mind was numb and the feelings of guilt and shame kept coming back in waves.  

What should I do? 

I said a quick prayer asking for help, and then I turned to facebook. Isn't that what people do when they are desperately seeking for answers? Probably not. But somehow that's what I did.

Then, I came across this video clip that gave me the answer I needed.

                                                                                                     (You can also watch the clip HERE.)

When you make a mistake, can you turn it into something good?

After watching this video, I realized I didn't want to be wasting my precious minutes moping around in bed. I wanted to make every moment count. Staying in bed while knowing my kids are still upset from my behavior was not what I wanted. 

When you make a mistake, can you have a do-over, or is it too late? 

So, I took a deep breath, gathered up all the courage that I had, and went to talk to Steve and the boys who were getting ready for bed.

I left all the self-defense, pride, and justification behind on the wet pillow. The only thing that was left inside of me was honesty. I was feeling raw, vulnerable, and authentic. Those were the only things I could offer to the boys. Would they be enough to patch up the scar?

I wanted our boys to see what it's like to make a mistake. I wanted them to know how we humans fail sometimes and still have to move forward, hoping to make something good out of our failure.

I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my boys. 

I apologized and told them I'm not perfect and I do make mistakes.

We discussed why it's so important to learn from our mistakes.

I told them I love them more than anything in the world and would do anything for them.

When the conversation was over, the boys gave me a big hug. Their wide smiles assured everything would be okay. We cuddled each other and went to sleep dreaming of a brighter day tomorrow.

It hurts to make a mistake when you are a mom and you are feeling like a complete failure. It hurts to make a mistake when you know you're hurting your loved ones. 

But I'm not perfect and I know I will make a mistake again.


I understand some mistakes are bigger than others and may never be forgiven. The damage you've done may be too wide and deep that the scar may never heal back to normal again.

I want to believe, however, we can always ask for a do-over. You can always try to put things right again with your offering of honesty and love.

I hope something new, unexpected, and beautiful would come out of our failure when we ask for a second chance.

It's never too late to have a do-over. 

There was a mother who couldn't let go & Weekend links

There was a mother who couldn't let go...
of her control that is. 

And I'm talking about myself. 

I'm an overprotective mom (just so you know, I'm not proud of it) and I was afraid of letting go of my boys. I always felt that I need to be "protecting" them. 

I am not an anxious person. But I have to admit, motherhood makes me anxious. I still remember the first time I held my older son in my arms. I promised myself to protect him from anything in the world.

Even though I've learned to loosen my grip on my boys over the past five years, I still have a lot of growing up to do as a mother. Yesterday was a turning point for me, and I wanted to share the experience with you. 

I was feeling quite nervous yesterday. Steve and I had a meeting with our 5-year-old's kindergarten teacher to discuss if he would be ready for first grade next year. My son is a November baby and he is the youngest in class. We decided to go with whatever his teacher was going to suggest, having him stay in kindergarten for another year or move him up to first grade. His teacher is the best we've ever known, and we completely trusted her judgement. 

            The First Day of Kindergarten (and School Bus!!!) last September.  
He didn't quite know what do to when the door opened.

Why was I anxious, then? Well, here is the thing. The boy believed he was ready for first grade, and he was really excited about it. We told him he might have to stay in kindergarten for another year, but that didn't change his mind. If we decided to hold him back, I didn't want to see his heart break. 

But if we decided to let him go to first grade, I thought that would make me nervous, too. Will he be able to catch up academically as well as socio-emotionally? His classmates do and say things that are more "mature" than he is. 

The meeting went really well. The long story short, my boy will be in first grade next year (gasp!). His teacher doesn't believe holding him back will benefit him in any way. He is academically thriving, and the social aspect of his development will catch up when he is ready. He will be one of the youngest in his class (insert me crying here).

It is time for me to let go of my control as a mom and let the boy blossom into the person he is meant to be. I want to give him enough room to grow.

I need to believe in my son that he is resilient enough to thrive through challenges. I also need to trust God and His plans for us. I'm often scared for him with things he is not even scared of. You know what though? He continuously amazes me with what he can do only if we let him.

Another important thing I learned yesterday: Having a teacher who truly cares for your child really makes a difference. I'm impressed how much attention his teacher gives to my son and all the other children in the classroom. She knows her children so well and approaches each child differently depending upon his or her needs. I am so grateful for her, and all the wonderful teachers around the world!

Moving on...

* * *

I am still working on styling my kitchen walls. It's not quite "me" yet. I'll keep tweaking this corner until it feels right. I just wanted to share the mid process with you.

The kitchen corner before...


 
and after... 

and still continues to change...

* * * 

Before I go, I wanted to share with you a few inspiring blog posts I came across this week.
I know. You're welcome. 

Arrows :: A Secret Weapon In Decorating by The Nester

How to Accessorize a Console: Step by Step by Lauren Liess

A Letter from a Working Mother to a Stay-At-Home Mother, and vise versa by Dr. Carolyn Ee (Every mother needs to read this!)

Have a lovely weekend!

Happy Valentine's Day & Some Random Things

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! 

Our little Valentines from Last Year

Before I go off to celebrate Valentine's day with my family, I wanted to share a few things.

* * *

I've really enjoyed blogging in the past few months. I am grateful for all the comments you have left here (thank you!) and for the new friendships I started to establish. But I also have to admit that it's been challenging to post on a regular basis while I try maintain my life with two little kids. It seems the harder I try, the more things get in my way. Trying to accomplish something while surviving motherhood is more challenging than I expected. The lack of time is what I struggle with, both during the day and at night. 

That being said, I'm not giving up on this blog. This is my creative outlet, and I am following through with what I decided to do. When I came to this country twelve years ago, the only way I could pursue my Bachelor's and Master's degree was through my determination. I was determined not to give up. 

I am now determined to continue this blog. So, here is the plan. I want to write three posts a week, ideally Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. But some weeks, the best I can do may be two posts per week. I want to give myself and this blog a year to see where it takes me. 

* * *

This is what I did yesterday while the kids munched on their afternoon snack.

I used a 14" x 17" heavy weight paper for pen and ink drawing, and did a wash using a tea and coffee mixture. I have stained paper with coffee before and this time I wanted to try it with tea, which ended up being too weak for a wash. So, I added instant coffee granules to the still warm tea water. 

While the paper was still damp, I applied a light wash of red paint (I used Cotman's cadmium red watercolour paint) and then splattered the same paint with a brush. I did like the splattered effect, so I repeated the same technique using the ultramarine blue. It only took me about 10 minutes to do the whole thing, and I like the way it turned out. 

I think I'm going add either a pencil or pen drawing to this. What do you think? 

* * *

Last of all, I baked this dessert this morning, and it was divine. (note: I like my dessert tart and not too sweet.)

This is Martha Stewart's recipe, called Cranberry Clafouti. You can find the recipe, here. The only thing I added to the original recipe was some maple syrup to the whipping cream. This is a trick I learned from a maple syrup baking class I took a while back. Adding a spoonful or two of maple syrup (I used Grade B, dark maple syrup for this) to heavy cream gives the cream richer flavor than just using granulated sugar. The sweetness in the cream will also counter balance the tartness of this dessert. 

My plan was to celebrate Valentine's Day as a family with this red cranberry treat. But I just peeked into the kitchen and the half of the dessert was already gone! I might have to bake something else. 

Steve and I are not going out tonight. We will try to have a date night at home after the boys go to sleep though, only if we don't fall asleep with them. Wish us luck.

Wishing you a Valentine's Day full of hugs and kisses! 
 

Kindness - Day 2 & 3: Un-Voice

Hello there.

Yesterday was a busy day here at the Jones' residence. We had our little niece over and I spent my day taking care of her and my two-year-old, both of them being cranky from a nasty cold. Diaper changes and constantly wiping their little runny noses pretty much sums up the day. Oh, those poor little red noses!

But we also enjoyed lots of cuddle time with wool blankets and good picture books. We baked a loaf of bread and I managed to cook a root vegetable soup for dinner to warm up our body. Cooking and eating well always makes me happy, so that must have been the kindness of the day, I suppose. 

I fell asleep on the chesterfield sofa, curled up like a shrimp with my chin tucked to my chest. When I woke up at four in the morning with a sore neck, shivering from sleeping without a blanket, this random thought came to my mind out of nowhere.

I need to let go of the negative inner voice that keeps nagging me. 

Where did it come from, I wondered, my mind still foggy from the sleep. 

Growing up, my parents gave me many positive affirmations that made me feel good. They would tell me "you always do a great job no matter what you do" and "you'll accomplish many great things," and those messages still empower me to this day.

But at the same time, I was often criticized too, usually for the things that I could not change. Looking back, it was more of a cultural practice than a parenting choice, because Japanese mothers tend to be very critical of their daughters (please correct me if I'm wrong).

I know that's the way those mothers are trying to "correct" us daughters, to help us become a lady they can be proud of. I understand the good intentions behind that mentality. But living with those negative messages would make you feel as if you are not enough. That unfortunately becomes part of who we are, and it hurts.  

When I became a parent, I brought that negative voice into my own parenting. I often nag my boys for being fussy and difficult, and I know that makes them feel bad. I can see that in their reactions and that hurts me.

Trust me, I'm not choosing to behave that way. It's rather like a default parenting mode that shows up when I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed. So, instead of helping them learn how to calm themselves down when they get upset, I get frustrated and criticize their behavior. How can that be helpful to them? 

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice they carry throughout their life. 

image via The Silver Pen

During the healing circle I attended the other day, I realized how important it is for parents to accept their child for who he or she is. Children learn how they feel about themselves from early on by the way adults speak to them. Many of us carry that pattern into adulthood and that inner voice, let it be positive or negative, navigates our life.

As children transition into young adulthood, I can see the issue of parental acceptance might take different forms but it still exists. A parent might deny the child's newly blossoming identity by criticizing the career path he chose, his sexuality, the person he chose to marry to, or spiritual or religious choices he's made. 

It sure doesn't feel good to be denied who we truly are. What can we do? 

image via Pinterest. original source unknown.

Can we just accept who we are and start appreciating our unique design, including all the good and some of the faults? 

I want to feel good about myself.
I want my boys to feel good about themselves. 
I want you to feel good about yourself. 

Can we release the negative inner monster that torment us and let us just be who we deeply are?

 

I am enough. 
You are enough. 
We are enough. 
Just the way we are.

You may be temperamental, clumsy, messy, anxious, or (fill in the blank), but that's exactly how God wanted you to be. They are part of your unique design. And you know, He doesn't make mistakes. We are exactly how He designed us to be.

Thank you for being me, Yuko. I love you just the way you are.

Thank you for being you. I love you just the way you are.


Today, I am releasing the negative inner voice that pushes me and my loved ones around. I am going to replace that with the voice of love and positive affirmations. I am slowly learning to be kind to myself and kind to others around me as well.

Hush, inner monster. You don't belong here anymore.  

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This is my second kindness post of the week. You can read the first post here.

Today, I'm also linking up to The Nester for the un-word link party. I also wrote my word for the year here and here. Please visit Nesting Place for more un-word inspiration!